Max_Diablo (diablomvhh)

As I let go of my shoulds and feelings of guilt, I can get in touch with my Inner Sociopath.

 

I have the power to channel my imagination into ever-soaring levels of suspicion and paranoia.

 

I assume full responsibility for my actions, except the ones that are someone else's fault.

 

I no longer need to punish, deceive or compromise myself. Unless, of course, I want to stay employed.

 

In some cultures what I do would be considered normal.

 

Having control over myself is nearly as good as having control over others.

 

My intuition nearly makes up for my lack of good judgment.

 

I can change any thought that hurts into a reality that hurts even more.

 

I honor my personality flaws, for without them I would have no personality at all.

 

Joan of Arc heard voices too.

 

I am grateful that I am not as judgmental as all those censorious, self-righteous people around me.

 

I need not suffer in silence while I can still moan, whimper and complain.

 

As I learn the innermost secrets of the people around me, they reward me in many ways to keep me quiet.

 

When someone hurts me, forgiveness is cheaper than a lawsuit. But not nearly as gratifying.

 

The first step is to say nice things about myself. The second, to do nice things for myself. The third, to find someone to buy me nice things.

 

All of me is beautiful and valuable, even the ugly, stupid, and disgusting parts.

 

I am at one with my duality.

 

I will strive to live each day as if it were my 70th birthday.

 

Only a lack of imagination saves me from immobilizing myself with imaginary fears.

 

I honor and express all facets of my being, regardless of state and local laws.

 

Today I will gladly share my experience and advice, for there are no sweeter words than "I told you so."

 

False hope is nicer than no hope at all.

 

A good scapegoat is more invited than a solution to the problem.

 

Just for today, I will not sit in my living room all day watching TV. Instead I will move my TV into the bedroom.

 

Why should I waste my time reliving the past when I can spend it worrying about the future?

 

The complete lack of evidence is the surest sign that the conspiracy is working.

 

I am learning that criticism is not nearly as effective as sabotage.

 

Becoming aware of my character defects leads me to the next step - blaming my parents.

 

To have a successful relationship I must learn to make it look like I'm giving as much as I'm getting.

1. If you're too open-minded, your brains will fall out.

2. Don't worry about what people think; they don't do it very often.

3. Going to a church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

4. It isn't the jeans that make your butt look fat.

5. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

6. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

7. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.

8. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.

9. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.

10. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.

11. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

12. A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel good.

13. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway. (Just remember how lucky you were to get a free trip around the sun.)

14. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.

15. No man has ever been shot while doing the dishes.

16. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.

17. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.

18. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.

19. Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.

20. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.

21. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.

22. By the time you can make the ends meet, they move the ends.

23. Thou shall not weigh more than thy refrigerator.

24. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.

25. If you must choose between two evils, choose the one that you've never tried before. Being happy doesn't mean everything's perfect. It means you've decided to see beyond the imperfections.  

Rule One: If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up. . .

Rule Two: You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.

Rule Three: I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose his compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big; . . However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist. . .are we clear on that?

Rule Four: I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

Rule Five: When it comes to dating my daughter, I make all the Rules; you simply obey. To disobey can lead to severe pain. . . 

Rule Six: I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

Rule Seven: As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

Rule Eight: The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka - zipped up to her throat.

Rule Nine: Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has- been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. You do not want to trifle with me. .

Rule Ten: Be afraid. . . Be very afraid. . . It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. . . As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. . . Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car. . .there is no need for you to come inside. . . And yes,the camouflaged face at the window is mine. . .