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IMPOSSIBILITIES

       1)You can't count your hair.
      
    2)You can't wash your eyes with  soap.
       3)You can't breathe when your tongue is out.
     
       (Put your tongue back in your mouth you silly person, you can.)
     

       Ten things I know about you.
       1)  You are reading this.
       2)  You are human.
       3)  You can't say the letter ''P'' without separating your lips.
       4)  You just attempted to do it.
       6)  You are laughing at yourself.
       7)  You have a smile on your face and you missed No.5.
       8)  You just checked to see if there is a No. 5.
       9)  You laugh at this because you are a fun-loving person & everyone does it too.
       10)  You are probably going to send this to see who else falls for it.
       You have received this e-mail because I didn't want to be alone in the idiot category. Have a great day, laugh, and then sing 'Oh what a  Beautiful Morning' even when it  may not be.
       Remember, do not regret growing older, it is a privilege denied to many.

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      "BadTimes" Virus


        Subj: WARNING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! If you receive an email entitled "Badtimes," delete it immediately. Do not open it. Apparently this one is pretty nasty. It will not only erase everything on your hard drive, but it will also delete anything on disks within 20 feet of your computer. It demagnetizes the stripes on ALL of your credit cards. It reprograms your ATM access code, screws up the tracking on your VCR and uses subspace field harmonics to scratch any CD's you attempt to play. It will program your phone auto dial to call only your mother-in-law's number. This virus will mix antifreeze into your fish tank. It will drink all your beer. (For God's sake man, are you listening?!?) It will leave dirty socks on the coffee table when you are expecting company. It will replace your shampoo with Nair and your Nair with Rogaine, all the while dating your current boy/girlfriend behind your back and billing their hotel rendezvous to your Visa card. It will cause you to run with scissors and throw things in a way that is only fun until someone loses an eye. It will rewrite your backup files, changing all your active verbs to passive tense and incorporating undetectable misspellings which grossly change the interpretations of key sentences. If the "Badtimes" message is opened in a Windows XP/Vista/7 environment, it will leave the toilet seat up and leave your hair dryer plugged in dangerously close to a full bathtub. It will not only remove the forbidden tags from your mattresses and pillows, it will also refill your skim milk with whole milk. **WARN AS MANY PEOPLE AS YOU CAN.** And if you don't send this to 5000 people in 20 seconds you'll pass gas next time your are making love. Send Send Send Send Send................ In case you are a blonde, this is a joke.

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        Winders 7

          From:   Billy Bob Gates

                      Microsoft Corporation

           

          Dear Consumers:

           

          It has come to our attention that a few copies of the WINDOWS 7 SOUTHERN EDITION may have accidentally been shipped outside the South. If you have one of these, you may need some help understanding the commands. The Southern edition may be recognized by the unique opening screen. It reads: "WINDERS 7" with a background picture of General Robert E. Lee superimposed on a Confederate flag. It is shipped with a Dukes of Hazzard screen saver. Please also note:

           

                      The Recycle Bin is labeled "Outhouse"

                      My Computer is called "This Dern Contraption"

                      Dial up Networking is called "Good Ol' Boys"

                      Control Panel is known as the "The Dashboard"

                      Hard Drive is referred to as "4 Wheel Drive"

                      Floppies are "them little ol plastic disc thangs"

          Instead of an error message a "garbage bag and roll of duct tape" pops up

           

          CHANGES IN TERMINOLOGY IN SOUTHERN EDITION:

           

          OK . . . . . . . . . . ats aw-right              Cancel . . . . . . . stopdat

          Reset . . . . . . . . try er agin                  Yes . . . . . . . . . yep

          No . . . . . . . . . . noop                          Find . . . . . . . . . hunt fer it

          Go to. . . . . . . . over yonder                Back . . . . . . . . back yonder

          Help . . . . . . . . hep me out here          Stop . . . . . . . . kwitit

          Start . . . . . . . . crank er up                  Settings . . . . . . settins

          Programs . . . . . stuff at duz stuff       Documents . . . stuff ah done did

           

          Also note that SOUTHERN EDITION does not recognize capital letters or punctuation marks. Some programs that are exclusive to Winders 7:

           

          Tiperiter . . . . . . . . A word processing program

          colerin book . . . . . A graphics program

          cyferin mersheen.... calculator

          outhouse paper. . . notepad

          iner-net . . . . . . . . Microsoft Explorer 9.0

          pichers . . . . . . . . . A graphics viewer

           

          We regret any inconvenience it may have caused if you received a copy of the SOUTHERN EDITION. You may return it to Microsoft for a replacement version. I hope this helps all y'all!

           

          Billy Bob Gates

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