Divorced from AS husband of 13 years. We have no children. I'm in my mid-40s. My ex was diagnosed in early 2010, which was helpful to both of us in terms of shedding light on some very confusing aspects of his life (particularly his childhood) and our marriage. We separated the first time shortly after that when I realized that the things about him which made our marriage difficult would never change. I had a brief fling and he moved to another state. We ended up reconciling, and I moved there to be with him. We stayed married another 5 years, and then separated again. We divorced a year later (September 2016).
He was not abusive, although he did make comments about my never being happy or satisfied, and how nothing he did was enough. He didn't understand that my happiness was not about him "doing" things, but was instead about him "getting me" emotionally, which he couldn't and didn't. He did not have the "meltdowns" that others describe, and we had a lot of fun together (he has a great sense of humor), but maintaining sexual attraction was difficult for me because he couldn't keep a job, I made all the money, there was no emotional reciprocity, and I felt like I was raising a teenager. He was very affectionate and loving (he tried hard to "get it" even though he couldn't), but the fact that we rarely had sex was difficult for him (and for me, but I mostly felt guilty for not being attracted to him). We both moved back to our home states, and we are still friends, although we don't talk very often. He is in a new relationship. I am back in school full-time, and not dating anyone. Right now I'm just focused on building a social life with other NTs, and I'm finally feeling open to dating, but it's not my top priority.
Therapy was very influential in keeping me sane during the last 5 years of our marriage, and during the year we were separated. My therapist understood AS, which was incredibly helpful. I absolutely recommend therapy to anyone in an AS/NT partnership. While we were married I read every book under the sun about AS and about AS/NT marriages, and I gained a lot of knowledge and compassion, but ultimately it didn't do much to help our marriage, because people on the spectrum just can't change. It's sad, but that's the reality. I have felt better and better since the separation and divorce. It took a long time for me to be ready to make that leap, but I'm glad I did (story below).
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THE STORY OF THE END: In terms of ending it, I think everyone's different, and a lot just depends on what your personal constitution can bear. The first time I broke up with my ex was after a friend had left her paraplegic husband (whom she had stayed with and taken care of for many years). I was the breadwinner in my marriage, and a huge part of the reason I had stayed up to that point was because I felt responsible for taking care of my spouse. My friend's courage to leave her husband in a wheelchair helped me look at my able-bodied husband in a new light. I also had "fallen into" a flirtation with another man that developed into a fling. I think I needed a psychological jumping off point and the new guy kind of served as a "lever," an instrument that made the heavy lifting of leaving easier. But the breakup lasted less than a year before my ex and I reconciled. He had moved to another state, and I moved there to be with him.
We stayed together another five years, during which time he became critically ill and almost died. All of the caregiving I had done over the course of the marriage was slowly chipping away at my emotional stamina. I had gone to visit friends and family in my home state. My ex and I were considering moving there, and during my trip I began contemplating whether I wanted to move there with him or without him. I don't think I realized how angry I was about never getting my needs met and my fuse had become very short. I had no strength left to hold anything back or maintain my composure. When he picked me up from the airport, he didn't even get out of the car to help me with my bags, and it was that little thing that pushed me over the edge. When we got home, I ended up screaming at him, "YOU HAVE TO GET THE F*** OUT!!!!!!" Oops. I hadn't planned it that way. In fact, I hadn't "planned" it at all, but there it was... done. He moved into the guest room for a couple of months and then moved back to his home state. A year later, the divorce was final. For me, the end was much easier than the marriage itself, but we didn't have any kids or assets, so it was pretty simple from an administrative standpoint. He acknowledged how much money I had spent taking care of him over the years, so he didn't ask for alimony.
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