Houston, Texas
Male
June 6
Gemini (May 21-Jun 20)
The days that I keep my gratitude higher than my expectations, I have really good days.
~Ray Wylie Hubbard
Empty your mind.
Be formless, shapeless, like water.
Now, you put water into a cup, it becomes the cup.
You put water into a bottle, it becomes the bottle.
You put it in a teapot, it becomes the teapot.
Now, water can flow or it can crash.
Be water, my friend.
~Bruce Lee
The next time I have meat and mashed potatoes, I think I'll put a very large blob of potatoes on my plate with just a little piece of meat. And if someone asks me why I didn't get more meat, I'll just say, "Oh, you mean this?" and pull out a big piece of meat from inside the blob of potatoes, where I've hidden it. Good magic trick, huh?
Fear can sometimes be a useful emotion. For instance, let's say you're an astronaut on the moon and you fear that your partner has been turned into Dracula. The next time he goes out for the moon pieces, wham!, you just slam the door behind him and blast off. He might call you on the radio and say he's not Dracula, but you just say, "Think again, bat man."
A funny thing to do is, if you're out hiking and your friend gets bitten by a poisonous snake, tell him you're going to go for help, then go about ten feet and pretend that *you* got bit by a snake. Then start an argument with him about who's going to go get help. A lot of guys will start crying. That's why it makes you feel good when you tell them it was just a joke.
It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.
I remember that one fateful day when Coach took me aside. I knew what was coming. "You don't have to tell me," I said. "I'm off the team, aren't I?" "Well," said Coach, "you never were really ON the team. You made that uniform you're wearing out of rags and towels, and your helmet is a toy space helmet. You show up at practice and then either steal the ball and make us chase you to get it back, or you try to tackle people at inappropriate times." It was all true what he was saying. And yet, I thought something is brewing inside the head of this Coach. He sees something in me, some kind of raw talent that he can mold. But that's when I felt the handcuffs go on.
I think they could take sesame seeds off the market and I wouldn't even care. I can't imagine 5 years from now, saying, "Damn, remember sesame seeds? What happened? All the buns are blank! They're gonna have to change that McDonald's song: 'Two all-beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickles, onions, on a... bun.' How's a sesame seed stick to a bun? That's fuckin' magical! There's got to be some sesame seed glue out there! Either that, or they're adhesive on one side. "Take the sesame seed out, remove the backing, place it on the bun. Now your bun will look spectacular." What does a sesame seed grow into? I don't know, we never gave them a chance! What the fuck is a sesame? It's a street...it's a way to open shit!
I find a duck's opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread. Ducks love bread, but they can't buy any. That's the biggest joke on the duck ever. If I worked at a store and a duck came in I would like just give him some bread-- "sure man no problem-- tell your friends"--- but I would not give him Pepperidge Farm bread....You know that stuff right? you open it and it still ain't open. That is why I do not buy it. Cause I do not need another step, between me and toast."
I think Pringles' original intention was to make tennis balls... but on the day the rubber was supposed to show up a truckload of potatoes came. Pringles is a laid-back company, so they just said, "Fuck it, cut em up!"
I like Kit-Kat, unless I'm with four or more people.
I think Bigfoot is blurry, that's the problem. It's not the photographer's fault. Bigfoot is blurry. And that's extra scary to me. Cause there's a large, out-of-focus monster, roaming the countryside.
When we were on acid, we would go into the woods... cause when you're in the woods tripping, there's less likely a chance you'll run into an authority figure. But we ran into a bear. That was even more of a buzz kill. My friend Dwayne was standing there raising his right hand, swearing to help prevent forest fires. We got away from the bear, he put his arm around my shoulder, he said "Mitchell... Smokey is way more intense in person!"
In England Smoky the Bear is not the forest fire prevention representative. They have Smackie the Frog. It's just like a bear, but it's a frog. I think it's a better system, I think we should adopt it. Because bears can be mean, but frogs are always cool. Never has there been a frog hopping toward me, and I thought 'man, I'd better play dead. Here comes that frog...' You never say here comes that frog in a nervous manner. It's always optimistic. Hey here comes that frog, alright. Maybe he'll come near me so I can pet him, and stick him in a mayonnaise jar, with a stick and a leaf, to recreate what he's used to. And I'm pretty sure I'd have to punch some holes in the lid, because he's damn sure used to air. Then I can observe him, and he won't be doing much in his 16 ounce world.
When you go to a restaurant on the weekends and it gets busy they start a waiting list. They start calling out names, "Dufrene, party of two. Dufrene, party of two." And if no one answers they'll say the name again. "Dufrene, party of two." But then if no one answers they'll just go right on to the next name. "Bush, party of three." Yeah, but what happened to the Dufrenes? No one seems to care. Who can eat at a time like this? People are missing! You f*kers are selfish! The Dufrenes are in someone's trunk right now. With duct tape over their mouths! And they're hungry. That's a double whammy. We need help. Bush, search party of three! You can eat once you find the Dufrenes!
A rotisserie is a really morbid Ferris Wheel for chickens. It's a strange piece of machinery. We will take the chicken, kill it, impale it, and then rotate it. And I'll be damned if I'm not hungry, because spinning chicken carcasses make my mouth water. I like dizzy chicken!